It is April 5th today. This evening Marcia and I see the neurosurgeon to discuss the operation. Normally I write a piece, it goes to editor Roger for review, and then I post it around 90 days after the piece was written. The last three days I posted without Roger’s editing, within three days of a piece being composed. I write, and then a day or two later it posts.
With it likely I will have the aneurysm operation soon, and with my writing about events leading to the operation without the 90 day delay, the time scales of my writing and then posting have gone awry. Life of late has become so peculiar that a time shift almost fits right in.
The book came out on April 1st. I emailed friends yesterday, on Easter. Many came by the site and many have sent me touching comments. The juxtaposition of the book release and the aneurysm reemergence has created an environment difficult to describe. I wake most mornings with an upset stomach. Fear feels familiar.
I’m still muddling through the neurologist evaluation of my asymmetrical temporal lobe brain structure that explains the occasional passing outs, and now the spontaneous emergence of unconscious content into a normal waking day. If, indeed, the content of my evolutionary theory is a partial result of a unique brain structure that encourages the emergence of hallucinatory content in the everyday, and the unique content emerging from my unconscious is not particularly hallucinatory but actually represents reasonable structural evaluations of how humans evolved (particularly brain structures), then I am in the midst of a deeply peculiar experience.
It’s just hard to say whether the story here makes my theory particularly remarkable because my theory’s origin is connected to anomalous brain structure or whether the story is that this has just been a truly strange life, unrelated to the usefulness of the theory because the theory actually isn’t useful. And then there is the aneurysm. The neurologist says the aneurysm is unrelated to my unique asymmetrical brain, but may be exaggerating experiences that my brain structure encourages. Will the operation diminish my frequent conversations with my unconscious? Or, because the intervention itself will exaggerate the asymmetries as doctors cut tissues on the side where the aneurysm sits, will I emerge from the operation with increased communications from my unconscious. And, if so, will those communications continue to be the kind that feel intimate and satisfying or the kind that brought me to the neurologist that involved either passing out or having dreamlike states superimposed upon waking actions?
The aneurysm operation feels terrifying. With these issues regarding my anomalous brain structure, and my having developed a theory of evolution revolving around an exploration of brain structure, the aneurysm operation feels like its happening in an almost cinematically mysterious context. This feels particularly so with the book having come out on the same day as I was told the aneurysm likely required immediate medical intervention. My brain is about to be operated on. It’s not clear who exactly I will be when I awake.