Outside Looking In

January 16, 2009 | Leave a Comment

Category: Auto-Biography

As an artist and a theorist, I hope that the ideas I observe emerge with a display of both beauty and usefulness.  The artist seeks beauty.  The theorist seeks usefulness.  This two-week journey out onto a theorizing limb makes estrogen (along with testosterone) central to evolution, using a dynamic evidently already established (according to my theory) by testosterone.  It’s a guess.  It’s a guess based upon a solution that resolves anomalies but a guess not even close to being proven.

The artists plays.  I’ll continue to play with these concepts and get a feel for whether these ideas are useful.

Almost six weeks ago, Simon Baron-Cohen responded to an email that I had sent to him.  Professor Baron-Cohen noted in his response that this website’s ideas concerning autism were “fascinating”, “deep and important.”  Simon Baron-Cohen is perhaps the world’s foremost authority on autism etiology.  This was an unexpected and deeply rewarding response.  Receiving permission to quote him, I began emailing autism researchers.  Over the last month, I’ve contacted over 200 autism experts and academics specializing in related conditions or specialties.

I’m receiving email responses by researchers, academics and professionals.  The quote by Simon Baron-Cohen has been integral to folks taking the time to read my work.  After the theorizing journey of the last two weeks, I’m viewing my theory based on testosterone that is being examined by professionals as pretty conservative.  Nevertheless, most academics that responded (perhaps 20 of 200) have showed interest, had positive things to say, but did not behave like there was anything that they were reading that they thought might be useful to them.

Over this same six-week period, I’ve been diagnosed with a not particularly easy to operate on quasi-fusiform brain aneurysm.  I’m exploring interventions.  The economy is performing its inelegant dive, outcome unknown.  I’m not sure which of the two is more anxiety-producing.

The brain surgeon mentioned that one intervention involves inserting a tiny tube into a major brain artery to see if they can redirect the impact of blood thudding against the artery that is bulging outward.  From what he said, this is a relatively new intervention.  So, for the last ten nights, I’ve been sleeping on my back.  I’ve not been sleeping on my right side as I’ve been doing my whole life, to see if perhaps sleeping on my side is related to the aneurysm.  I’m trying to get the blood to stop thudding on that bulging spot, the spot where the blood coursing up my neck slams into the perpendicular artery in my brain.  I don’t fit the profile of people that get aneurysms.  They don’t know the cause in my case.  I don’t sleep deeply.  I wake up in the middle of the night thinking about my brain.  And evolutionary theory.  I think at least half of last night I had dreams that were seeking an integration of testosterone and estrogen in tables of data where the two had not been formerly introduced.

So, I’m feeling vulnerable.  I’m feeling physically vulnerable.  I’m feeling vulnerable to the criticisms of professionals evaluating the autism theory based upon my alternative theory of human and social evolution.  I don’t have money invested so I don’t feel financially vulnerable, but I feel that we, as humans, are particularly vulnerable right now during this era of transformation, and I’m feeling particularly human right now.  I’m feeling scared for the human race.

As an artist and a theorist, I hope that the ideas I observe emerge with a display of both beauty and usefulness.  If a theory is not beautiful, it does not attract me.  What I feel attracted to decides what I pay attention to.  Today, I’m not feeling attracted.  I’m feeling scared.


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