Loop

June 30, 2009 | Leave a Comment

Category: Auto-Biography

There are lots of unresolved riddles circulating around the various patterns that I sift through while looking for relationships that suggest how human evolution unfolds.  Actually, it’s more like sifting through patterns or relationships feeling for answers, waiting for a “thunk” experience when the tumblers all line up.  Often, I sense an answer is sitting waiting, and I wander in a particular direction; it sometimes takes me weeks to get there.  Sometimes the solution leaps upon me, and I had no idea it was hiding.  I’m only half aware I carried a riddle seeking answers.  The surprise can occur while writing.  I can start an essay and somewhere over the course of the piece a connection is made that was not there even one sentence before my fingers were typing out the insight.  At other times, an unraveling can occur while I’m involved in an unrelated, pleasant kinesthetic experience such as taking a bath or sitting on the toilet.

Joseph Chilton Pearce wrote a book, The Crack in the Cosmic Egg, that is the closest thing I know of that explores how insight or the “ah ha” experience occurs.  I often find myself as fascinated by the process of pattern connection or synthesis as I am by that which is being understood.  I’m sure there are other books than Pearce’s exploring this area.  I’m just not familiar with them.

I am more than a little bit self conscious of my narcissistic enamoring of my experience and my frequent discussions about my creative process in this blog.  What can I say?  I fascinate myself.

On Monday, I meet with the neurosurgeon to discuss the latest imaging of my cerebral aneurysm.  It seems to be growing, but they are not sure, and they want to compare MRAs.  I’m adjusting myself to eventual brain surgery.  Awareness of the shortness of life and the presence of death is constant.

My response to the aneurysm has deepened my life in several ways.  I meditate more frequently during the day and evening, when I’m between things, not just in the early morning.  I pay far more attention to my surroundings, noting visual changes in the season in more detail.  I find myself paying more attention to the way it feels as I drift in and out of sleep, exploring the differences between being awake and asleep regarding changes in awareness.

I want to know what the nonlife or the death experience feels like as an awareness, and so I find myself exploring the differences between being awake and asleep as the equivalent of getting my feet wet in the ocean.

Exploring these levels of awareness feels like the “now” version of exploring human evolution.  I presuppose that biological evolution is the long version of individual ontogeny, an ontogeny that is explorable in the present by my accompanying myself as I drift in and out of wakefulness, descending to nonconscious states of awareness.  The aneurysm has been an opportunity to inform myself that I have limited time to revel in being human, a human that seeks to understand what we are in relation to our evolution and our world.

Ken Wilber’s work comes closest to the multileveled exploration that this blog engages in.  Whereas Wilber seems mostly about seeking useful interventions in consciousness, my work focuses on possible useful interventions regarding autism and conditions influenced by how specifically we evolved.  From my perspective, both of us are running riffs off of the nineteenth century believers in three-fold and four-fold parallelisms, a vision rather out of fashion in our reductionist milieu.

As a writer often describing insights around the process of biological, social, individual (ontological) and personal evolution, and then the personal process that results in having those insights, I realize that there is the implied mental backflip that understanding the process that results in insight is directly related to the evolutionary process that so interests me.

How might the actual process of achieving insight be related to evolution?  I suspect that it comes down to it not being reasonable to try to differentiate god from sex.  I’m not even sure why I believe that is even relevant at this particular moment.  It just feels right.


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