Aneurysm Update

August 28, 2009 | Leave a Comment

Category: Auto-Biography

Well, the surgeons recommended cranial intervention.  Operating through arteries from the inside of the aneurysm risks damaging the tiny “peripheral” arteries that are inside the aneurysm.  They can see those arteries from the outside.  They can’t from the inside.  There is approximately a 10% chance of serious problems, mainly stroke.

This continues to be an astonishing adventure.  Dread and anxiety are, of course, part of the process.  What surprises me is the increased experience of being in the now as I pay far closer attention to the changing of the seasons, the spiritual in the everyday and my relationship with that part of myself with no personality, history or individual focus.  I am feeling humbled.

Ten years ago, when Marcia was having serious uterine pain, the doctors weren’t sure what it was, but they said cancer was a possibility.  There was about a two-week period of not knowing what was going on before the operation, which revealed that the symptoms were from endometriosis and were not life threatening.  During that two-week period, I felt far more dread than I have during my own life-threatening experience.  I was more upset than Marcia by what was happening.

Regarding the aneurysm, Marcia seems to be feeling my mortality more acutely, from an anxiety perspective, than I am.  But then, I’m seeking to leverage the experience into a reverence for my being alive.

It would be useful, so to speak, if I could frame my seeking to be present in a more human context.  I reflexively seek comfort and integration through a personal context that has mostly to do with my relationship with myself.  I’m thinking that paying more attention to Marcia, feeling and expressing affection, would allay some of her anxiety and balance my tendency to withdraw to find strength and solace.

It’s odd to so often see and hear distress regarding my health in the eyes and voice tones of the folks I love and not to be feeling that anxiety in myself.  My anxiety usually emerges when I’m by myself, often when I awaken in the morning.

So, I run my mantra as I fall asleep and when my eyes just open.  So far, I haven’t noticed meditating during dreams, which would be pretty cool.

I pay close attention to the changing season.


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